I was labeled “Perfectionist”
“Perfectionist.“
That’s one word to describe me; according my 20-year-long friends since college. (Hello Starfish Sisters!)
And it hit me… because I am. Always wanting things perfect even before I begin, hiding away any imperfections and sometimes giving up halfway because its didn’t turn out to be “perfect enough.”
We were at a cabin in Sequoia National Park, the winter 2024. We stayed up late and talked about our life, love, carrier and all things girl talk. That’s when this topic arised. “Without stating a job, what you are and what you do…. what’s one word that describe you?“ Here’s the thing: We’ve known each other for 20 years, so we don’t shy away from choosing words that’s not necessarily nice. So it goes.
Words that came up to describe my friends: ‘Generous,‘ ‘Funny,’ ‘Indecisive,’ ‘Empathetic’ …then it was my turn.
Someone says ‘Perfectionist’.
All girls nod in agreement. (ugh.)
A perfectionist is a person who demands the highest possible standards, wants every detail to be exact, and refuses to accept anything short of flawlessness from themselves or others. [1, 2, 3]
Core Characteristics
Unrealistic Standards: They set impossibly high goals and treat anything less than perfection as a failure.
Harsh Self-Criticism: They focus intensely on tiny mistakes and struggle to enjoy their accomplishments.
Fear of Failure: The dread of making a mistake often leads to severe stress, anxiety, or procrastination.
Control and Judgment: They can be overly critical of the work or behavior of people around them.
Yep, that’s me. I am, undeniably, a perfectionist. Far from actually being perfect.
Funny thing is, back in 2018 when I started posting yoga related posts on instagram, I always added a hashtag #practiceimperfect as my go-to hashtag. Meanwhile struggling to make sure everything looked perfect on the platform.
After completing my 200 hour Yoga Teacher Training, I couldn’t bring myself to teach yoga. I was far from my “perfect yoga teacher” vision, and the idea of standing in front of people to show that, scared me to death. My English is broken and I have accent, I don’t know if I can perfectly remember my sequence, and I actually don’t know everything about yoga. I didn’t have perfect home practice and I pretended I did.
Truth be told, I am still a perfectionist. But I’m getting a little better at showing my imperfections. I am learning to say “I don’t know“ and “I made a mistake,“ and I teach yoga. Yoga presents you the things you suck at; your limitation, deepest egoic desires and the situations you feel uncomfortable to be in: Yoga makes you experience them. Deeply.
My intention on this journal log is to practice imperfect. No Chat GPT to make my grammar perfect or “make this sound better” to remove my authentic imperfection.
So here I go again… #practiceimperfect
Love and gratitude,
Kanade
